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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

You're Too Old for the Club

Atlanta nightlife is unique than that of most cities. Every night of the week, 365 days of the year, there is a party or an event that brings out hoardes of people ready to mingle and partake in an assortment of cocktails. The lure of new clubs, lounges, bars, restaurants, and strip clubs guarantees that night life in this city always stays fresh. Hell, our popular clubs change with season here! With all this in mind, it is easy to see why someone could stay on the "night life scene" here in Atlanta for a extended period of time.

...But DAMN! Some of you need to understand you are EXPIRED MILK in the grand scheme of night life. Your glory days are over, and your old ass needs to get married and work on having a few little ones.

The proccess I have used to identify when/why someone is too old to be up in the club is dictated by the following:

1. The Type of Spot:

Realistically, past 36, you are too damn old to be in a night club unless you conduct some sort of business there. Lounges, bars, events, are different, but night clubs...not so much.

2. Sex:

Let's keep it real. An older man is more socially acceptable in the nightlife scene than an older woman. I attribute this to the fact that in society older men are often times deemed by women as being more mature and stable, qualities that are attractive. On the other hand, as a woman, "going out" clothing for women is generally of a more sexy genre...meaning it looks bad when you are 40 trying to wear a tight and small club dress and in comparison with your 20 something year old competitors, unless you are Stacy Dash or Halle Berry your ass is going to look ridiculous.

However, please be advised, you can be TOO old to be in a night club as a male. You may think it's tight to play the "sugar daddy" role by buying up bottles and surrounding yourself with girls young enough to be your daughter, but the only person you look cool to is yourself. You are looking at the "tenderonis" and thinking "I'm gonna get up on this young p*ssy" and they are look at you thinking "Neiman Marcus, red bottoms, bills, unlimited bottle service...and he won't even get to smell it."

3. Kids:

If you're children are old enough that they no longer need a babysitter, you have kids in college age, or your kids are old enough to get into the establishment your are going to...IT'S A FUCKING WRAP. Please take it to a bar, lounge, or better yet a nice dinner party with adults...probably couples...because most people your age should be married or damn near close to it.

4. Your Favorite Set is the "Old School" Set:

We all like an older tune here and there. Hell, I'm 26 and my all time favorite music group is Mint Condition, but if the songs that get you the most hype are contained in that random part of the night that the DJ bust out Jodeci, old as the fuck R.Kelly songs, remixed versions of "Iesha" by Another Bad Creation...instead of jumping up and down, dancing, and drunkenly singing EVERY lyric your old ass should have a FEW seats...outside...somewhere else.

5. The Frequency:

No one said when you hit a certain age you can't have fun. On special occasions, it may even be acceptable for you to go out and go hard, but a night club is generally not the place for you past the tender age of 36.

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