Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
In talking with a friend, I was inspired to do this post. For most people, the grief of a break up is similar to what a person goes through when they experience a death. A break up is the death of "us" or it symbolizes the "death" of a person and how they used to be or who they once were.
Like everyone else, I have experienced a break up or two in my lifetime that was very heart wrenching, draining, and torturous.
On the internet, I found several breakdowns of "stages" of grief during a breakup and just felt they weren't real or detailed enough. The people have spoken. Y Sugarcoat things like this?
Please note that stages 2-4 usual can really happen in any order. Also people flip flop through these stages till they reach acceptance.
Your brain recognizes sh*t ain't right and its not going to change and needs to stop but your heart is still holding on to the person. You say one of the following:
A. "that's just the way he/she is"
B. "things will get better."
C. "if I would've done X the outcome would've been Y"
D. "he/she is just going through (fill in the blank)
E. "I'm overreacting, I'm sure everyone's man/woman does this...it could be worse.
You are turning to your "yes people"...the acquaintances that tell you whatever you want to hear except the truth.
You now feel like somehow this person shafted you and you definitely next to get rid of them. Sometimes the anger may be directed at self because you're angry you allowed something this person has done to you to happen:
A. "she/he ain't sh*t anyway."
B. "after all we've been through they still did me like that/left?!"
C. " how could I be so stupid?! There were a million warning signs"
You are considering throwing bricks through windshields, blasting them on social networking, beating up their new girlfriend/boyfriend...yep psycho sh*t.
This is when you hold onto whatever little hope you can that this relationship doesn't need to end:
A. "I mean we all make mistakes right? I f*cked up too."
B. "we've been together (insert some time frame that means long) we should be able to make this work"
(sidenote: time doesn't really mean sh*t. If someone has been mistreating you and you are dwelling on the good times that were 2 years ago, or they've been mistreating you equal or longer than they've been treating you good it's a wrap ok?)
C. "this is temporary or needs to happen for her/him to appreciate me" or the famous "if it's meant to be it will be in the future."
At this stage you are making emotionally unhealthy decisions like still having sex with the person, still buying them gifts, taking them on dates, and generally doing boyfriend/girlfriend stuff with them in hopes this whole thing will blow over.
You are now reminiscing on the good times, not sleeping, not eating, worrying about what the other person is doing and if they found someone else, feeling sorry for yourself, crying in the shower and for no reason, asking or believing that you will never feel this way about anyone ever again. Yep, we call this the suicide watch stage.
Once again you are on that emotionally unhealthy tip. You are drinking and smoking too much, eating too much, sleeping too much, going on dates just so you won't be alone, running through hoes just to make yourself feel better, having casual sex with people from your past, running the breakup story past your friends for the 30th time...general stuff you'll regret in 2 months.
You are at peace with the break up. You want to move on with your life and wash your hands clean of the relationship and all the emotions tied with it. While you may not be 100% cool with seeing your ex with another person or even dating a new person you are at a healthy place where you can enjoy life again and be optimistic about the future.
Friday, November 18, 2011
I came across an article where writer Mo Kelly of "The Mo Kelly Report" stated the following:
If you check those same Black media outlets decrying the mistreatment of Black children in Pennsylvania, you will likely find write-ups celebrating the impending release of the forthcoming R. Kelly CD…Black Panties.
It’s ok to promote the alleged Black pedophile and his project Black Panties, while simultaneously assail[ing] Penn State and Jerry Sandusky?
Let me state my issues with Mo' Kelly's statement...
1. Not EVERYONE Black Still Supports R. Kelly:
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
What's up. I wanted to run this situation by you all and ask do you think its triffling or what you think I should do. My baby mama told me my daughter needed a new pair of kicks for school so I sent $100 home with my daughter so her mama could get them for her. Fast forward today. I pick my daughter up from school and she has on a pair of walmart sneakers so I ask her "where are your new shoes?" she responds "these are my new shoes daddy." I know those shoes were probably no more than $20. Her mama probably used the extra money to get her hair and stuff done. I'm sick of it. She has my daughter in raggedy clothes from cheap places but when she hits the streets she looks like a million dollars. How can I stop this from happening?
That sounds like your baby mama may be using you as a piggy bank. While I feel a woman is entitled to financial help after having a man's child, I do not feel she is entitled to abuse the funds...they should be used for her child and the lifestyle of the child. It's horrible when you say you are always giving her money only to have your daughter returned to you looking like a pauper and her mom looking like a Ferragamo ad in Vogue magazine. While I am no family attorney let me give you advice of what my friend who has a baby mama did to help "ensure" his money was being used on his daughter.
1. Pay You Child Support On Time: While you have no control over what your baby mama does with this money, I would hate to see your daughter go without. Sorry...not much can be done in this department.
2. Gift Card Control System: When your baby mama ask for extras like "Lil' Woman needs some new sneakers" get a gift card to footlocker. This ensures the money must be spent there. It makes it harder for her to buy your daughter cheap stuff and use the remainder of the money for her own lifestyle.
3. Daddy Buy It: When your baby mama ask you for extras just say "ok that's fine, I'll stop by the store and pick it up for her." This also is a way to make sure the money goes directly to your child.
It's definitely a sticky subject, but I think you can still be a parent to your daughter and ensure she is taken care of and has the things she needs.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The following video, which is going viral and is even emblazened on CNN, was brought to my attention by my friend Danielle Salmon:
So is this video an example of spanking or abuse and what is the difference?
As a child I regularly got spankings...I was a bad kid (I mean BAD) and timeouts, grounding, or calling me by my full name was just not going to cut it. In the Black community, spanking is a normal form of discipline and punishment and it's not considered abuse by any means. Many of my Black friends were regularly spanked when they were young and today they are outstanding adults with no issues as result of having to either "pick a switch" (switch= small tree branch. The more green the more painful, and Lord please don't let it have leaves), getting beat with belts, extension cords, and various other household items.
So what is the difference between spankings and abuse? Here's what I feel they are:
1. Abuse leaves severe tissue damage, psychological damage, and wounds while spankings may leave a few welts and minimal bruises.
2. Spankings are a direct result of something done wrong or against the rules (i.e. breaking something and lying about it, mouthing off, etc.) while abuse is done by anything that triggers the abuser or virtually for no reason (i.e. how you are cleaning the kitchen makes me want to punch you.)
3. Spankings occur below the belt on the legs or ass and consist of swatting at, slapping, or using an object such as a belt, spoon, hand, switch, etc. Abuse would be using fist, punching your child in the face or stomach, kicking, or anything done in a bar brawl.
I classify the above video as spanking, a harsher form of spanking, but spanking and not beating. Did her parents need to double team her? Probably not. Should she have been cussed at? Probably not. Would other methods of discipline work? Probably so...especially because she is 16. I don't recall getting spanking after I left elementary school, it seemed after elementary ages other things proved to be harsher forms of discipline for me (i.e. not letting me go to a slumber party, taking away my car keys, etc.)
What do you all think? Was the above video abuse? Is spanking abuse? Does spanking teach kids agressive behavior?