When They Ask You "Why Are You Single?"...

I will start by briefly apologizing to all of my followers/ haters/ subscribers/ ad revenue affiliates, and fans for neglecting this blog for the past 2 months.  I have had a lot on my plate personally and professionally, but I can assure you this will never happen again. Y SUGARCOAT? is back in full effect and as always we are saying whatever because we don't give 1 f*ck, 2 f*cks, red f*cks, or blue f*cks.  That's just how we roll.  SO...I wanted to return strong with a deep self analysis post which I feel can apply to anyone who constantly gets asked the question,

"Why are you single?"

...I guarantee it's a complicated response.  There are many reasons why someone may be single, but I will explain what my past reasons were as I just feel there must be several women or men who can relate to this as reasoning on some level.



1.  My History:

I must firstly state that I do not view being single as leoparsy.  However, chronic singleness is often viewed as a "condition" by society if you indulge in this lifestyle for what is considered to be "too long."  I have a history in my youth (teens to early 20's) of immaturely priding myself in having the ability to pull and date men who had connections I needed to do what I wanted/needed. I was a power junkie, so men with power and connections is all I wanted or cared to know.  Don't get me wrong, I never based my self worth off the men I dated, but to be able to handpick, for my personal benefit, an elite group of men such as the previously described, gave me a great sense of female empowerment (not every b*tch can do that either).  However in my adult age, the age in which it's time to pick a partner and a throw away your dance card, this came back to haunt me.  You see, when I found myself getting in the mindset of "you and only you" and things began to go through a rough patch (as all relationships experience this), I began to want to revert back to my old ways.  I began to think "you can't do this for me?  I know someone who can though."  Which led to my proverbial black book always being open and it could be open indefinitely for the following reason...

2.  None of My Exes Leave:

It may sound cocky and arrogant, but any man I dated for a decent amount of time, still wanted to be in my life in some capacity.  Strangely enough, I have the ability to befriend just about all of my exes.  Granted some do not deserve to ever see my face again or breathe oxygen in the same room as me, but in some capacity they were still around.  It was possible that an ex or a man I dated for a few months 5 years ago still wanted to be in my life.  Sure, some got girlfriends, moved on, we did the "no contact" dance, but they always came back. I think I kept them around in safe arms length distance because each one probably knew and appreciated one of the various sides that make me up...

3.  Various Sides of Me:

See it depends on where a man meets me as to what he expects me to be like.  Problem is, I am in whatever environment he met me in 20% of the time because various facets of me make up the bigger picture and none are similar:

 A.  The Domestic Me:  maybe he meet me as the domestic T$, the one who cooks scallops on a bed of creamy bacon corn sauce, pairs wine perfectly with meals, bakes cakes from scratch, decorates her home for the holidays, loves to entertain guest, keeps her home cleaned to a T, and can sew a button back on...and he may love this, but he may not appeal to or be able to handle the other side....

B.  The Intellectual Me:  or maybe he meet me in this state.  I can talk to you about politics, Black history, socio-economic ramifications of society, the discography of A Tribe Called Quest, and any type of biological or chemical science you name it.  I can write my ass off, I know extensive history about ancient Egypt and lifestyles of people in the 1500's-1700's..and he may love this, but he may not appeal to or be able to handle the other side....

C.  The Ratchet Me:  or he could've meet me like this.  I know every lyric to Gucci Mane's latest mix tape and will proudly rap along.  I drink vodka straight on the rocks or slightly dirty vodka martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives, and cinnamon whisky shots quite often, I have a bad temper and will fight a b*tch on cue if need be or if you remotely talk to my sister or best friend disrespectfully, I frequent World Star Hip Hop, cuss like a sailor, know all the places to be, I can act young and wild when I hit the bar, I have a mohawk with red streaks in it, love combat boots and ripped fishnets, and I know what happened on the latest episode of Basketball Wives...and he may love this, but he may not appeal to or be able to handle the other side....

D.  The Debutante Me:  or he may know me to be the debutante.  I can put on a BCBG dress, pearls, and gloves and give a speech.  I go to high tea with my mom and sister, I know how to use every fork in a fancy place setting, ride horses, play the violin and viola, know "Roberts Rules of Order," and know the difference between opera gloves and After 5 black tie dinner gloves.

E.  The Adventurous Me:  yet still he may know me as the adventurous me.  I want to have spontaneous sex, go to the drive in movies and make out with him like we are 16, go on a 10 mile bike ride, leave town on a drop of a hat, I love to flirt, dress up and hit a costume party, wear black lingerie and buy stuff at inserection, try some stuff I can't pronounce at a restaurant, crash a party and act like I own the place, become a vegetarian for a week, take a stiletto workout or pole dancing class, whatever...

But with all these sides, it is hard to find a man who stimulates and appreciates them all. Therefore I would do the following...

4.  Created the Perfect Man out of "Men"

I would surround myself with different men who appealed to all the above 5 facet of T$.  I would just keep all of them, except one, at an arms length and they would stay around in the false sense of hope, that they were making a breakthrough with me and getting closer.  So I had most of the things women in relationships have, I just shared them between a few people.

I say all this to say that for some people, the reasons they are single are not those that can be answered in a sentence.  There is no perfect time to be in a relationship either and there is no time limit on how long you can be single as those factors are contingent upon so many things.  At the end of the day, it is important for any party, single or taken, to understand fully why they made the decision to pursue whatever dating status they deem fit.  Being single can be healthy as it gives you time to analyze yourself and your past relationships just as being in a relationship that is healthy can be rewarding because it allows you to share and create a lifestyle with someone who is worthy and offers stability.